Quote of the day

"This is not the National Health Service. This is music - you buy it." Pete Waterman, talking about the file-sharing application Kazaa.

Yes, but not yours, you trainspotting cocksucker.

I feel the need, the need for speed

I have just had confirmation that my BT line can handle the upgrade to a 1meg broadband connection and that it will be activated sometime on December 3rd. Hurrah! Sorry half meg, I used to think you were wonderful, but I am a fickle internet whore and when a 1meg offer sidled up to me casually, promising a fast and exciting world for only three quid a month more, I could not resist. Pipex are an excellent ISP. I've been with them well over a year now and have never had any reason to complain whatsoever. I have only experienced two hours of service interruption in all that time (due to essential engineering works) and have never had any problem getting customer service. Now, how many companies can you say that about in this day and age?

No, I don't work for them.

The futility of existence

Sometimes, life can be so cruel. First I learn that Changing Rooms is no more, then I was left reeling by this bombshell. I need to be by myself for a while to reflect. I just don't know what to do now. It's like life has lost all meaning.

Richard Littlejohn is a cunt

This hasn't been prompted by anything in particular, but it's good to remind yourself of this every now and then. It may not be the most intelligent or sophisticated observation I've made, but it happens to be a fact.

Johann Hari has written a couple of pieces tackling Littlejohn's "work" on his website which are worth a look. They can be read here and here.

I also found this little gem thanks to Google: a transcript of a Nicky Campbell radio show from 2001 that pitted Littlejohn against Will Self, both of whom had a new book out at the time. It's very entertaining.

"Know your place!" says man who inherited enormous wealth, status and privilege

This was a turn up for the books wasn't it? I'm still a bit flabbergasted to be honest. Who would have thought that Prince Charles would hold such anachronistic views? I'd always admired him up until now as well: despite being brought up on a tough Leeds council estate he managed, through hard work and determination, to fight his way up the ladder to become heir to the throne. He is the very embodiment of our upwardly mobile, meritocratic culture and a fine example to anyone who wants to better their situa . . sorry, what was that? Born into a position of wealth and status you say? Never had to do a day's work in his life you say? Who was I thinking of then?

This is such a non-story isn't it? I mean, yes, of course, it's a "story", I just mean that being told that Charles believes that the proles should "know their place" in society is akin to being told that Peter Sutcliffe has a bit of a "funny attitude" towards women. It's kind of implied by what he does and where he is.

But you'll still get fuckwits defending the monarchy. How? God only knows. I am continually amazed how anyone sees any value in it whatsoever, how it can have any relevance at all to Britain in 2004. It is an institutionally elitist and racist cornerstone of our constitution that routinely embarrasses our nation around the world. It represents the very worst that this country has to offer: the royals are remote, snooty and totally at odds with the goals and aspirations of the population. At least, the population that doesn't live in a Daily Mail wank fantasy where everyone is white and the British Empire still exists.

Prince Charles's memo serves as a timely reminder that there is still an awful amount of ingrained prejudice running through the spine of this country and the revolting notion of "class" continues to affect our life-chances. Prince Charles may not make the rules, but he certainly enjoys them.

"What is wrong with people now?" he bleats. "Why do they all seem to think they are qualified to do things far beyond their technical capabilities?" Like what, Charles? Being king?

More gibberings

An update to my post on 8th November. Alfred has gone. He did not suffer the fate that is the vacuum cleaner, but fell victim to the old scoop up in a cup, cover with a bit of card, then throw out of the window trick. Much to the girlfriend's chagrin (she had become quite fond of him, in fact, she called him Alfred in the first place if I remember correctly), Alfred ended up being thrown out of my bedroom window. Hey, it's a tough world and he didn't deliver. I had to renegotiate his contract. But the flies are still present. I must kill about twenty of these little fuckers a day, but I just get more and more of them coming back. She that is the girlfriend is convinced this is some sort of instant-reincarnation taking place. Personally, I think I've got a fly infestation. Where are they coming from? They gather around the bedroom window near my desk, are small, slow and easy to kill and WILL NOT GO AWAY! I was left some advice on how to get rid of them on the previous post (thanks: Kitchen Witch), by getting one of those fly frizzler things that you see in chip shops and the like. I bought one of these in the summer and it didn't catch a single one of the bastards so I don't hold out much hope. Still, I'll give it a go. In the meantime, if anyone has any suggestions, please leave a comment or mail me.

It had to happen sooner or later

I'm an on-off smoker. I find it easy enough to stay off them until I go down the pub. Drinking without cigarettes is something I've just never been able to do, indeed, something I have never done. They have always been together in my life. For this reason, I actually welcome this, announced by the government today. I'm not alone, either. A lot of my friends who smoke are of the same opinion: if they couldn't, they just wouldn't, and would be forced to quit. Some quarters are saying this is the "nanny state" in action, and I suppose in a way it is, but no more than legally requiring drivers to wear a seatbelt, or motorcyclists to wear a crash-helmet. The fact is, cigarettes are lethal and the tobacco companies are little better than the Nazis, so I, even as a confirmed smoker of some thirteen years, welcome this ban. If anything, I wish it were being brought in sooner.

The strange things we do and say

Ever notice how we always explain a choking fit by saying (when we finally get our breath back) "It went down the wrong hole/way"? Guaranteed response. Could there be any other explanation? Everyone knows what causes it, yet there is still a need to qualify the coughing fit somehow.

Just something I observed while watching a colleague choke on her bagel this morning. . . .

A glimpse of things to come?

Just after the Presidential elections a friend and I were discussing what the Democrats response to defeat might be, and who might run in 2008. She said: Hilary Clinton with John Edwards as running mate; I said: not a chance.

Kerry ran a good campaign and did better than expected but the fact is he did not connect with the American electorate at large and the Dems know it. Perhaps because there was no natural choice, they reluctantly went with the stiff and awkward Kerry who is probably the archetypal New England Democrat. That sort of thing just doesn't go down well in Arkansas, Wyoming, or, well, you know the sort of places I'm talking about. There's no way they're going to make that mistake again. I'd love to see Hilary in the Whitehouse but it just won't happen. Not because the USA isn't ready for a female President, but because the USA will never be ready for Hilary Clinton.

No, I reasoned that the Democrats are going to go away, lick their wounds and come back with an agenda that appeals to the values of mainstream America: something faith driven with a strong emphasis on "values" that won't alienate Mr and Mrs Average in Smalltown, USA. So I was interested to read this in today's Independent. The next Democrat minority leader in the Senate is likely to be Harry Reid, a teetotal Morman who opposes abortion and was the architect of a motion to make flag burning unconstitutional.

Looks like the Democrats could be moving to the right quicker than anyone expected. It's still very early days but if this is any sort of indication of what is to come, there may not be much of a choice by 2008: morally conservative Christian from the Democrats or morally conservative Christian from the Republicans? Hmmm.

I despair, I really do

I suppose I'm too old to really care about this sort of stuff anymore, but I still get riled when I see our culture cheapened in such a way. Robbie Williams, that neurotic, no-talent, narcissist formerly of camp disco act Take That, has been selected by popular vote to represent the 90s in the UK Music Hall Of Fame. As if this buffoon is anything other than a complete irrelevance. A Freddie Mercury pastiche elevated to greatness by the tyranny of the damp gusset vote.

In the words of Kent Brockman: "I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy just doesn't work".

Let's stick it to Bill Gates

I've decided to try and live my on-line life free from Microsoft's ubiquitous (and flawed) Internet Explorer just to see how it goes. There are safer and better browsers out there, all free to use. So we can now surf with less risk from adware/scumware/malware/pop-ups and all the other horrors that come with IE while simultaneously chipping away at the insidious Microsoft domination of how we access the internet.

I've been checking out Netscape 7.2 and the new Mozilla Firefox instead. Both have enhanced security features (so I'm told, anyway) and have a number of funky things that Microsoft's option does not provide. Best of all is the "tabbing" feature present on both, which means you can access a number of different websites within one browser window rather than having four or five different sessions of IE open. It takes a bit of re-adjustment, but it's a great (and very simple) idea. Firefox looks and feels much like IE, automatically imports your "favourites" across for you, has a built in Google search bar and has been developed by a non-profit organisation. Currently, Microsoft's default browser is used by 93% of the world's internet surfers, which is just staggering. Firefox hope to claw 10% back by the end of next year. Why not help them?

Firefox 1.0 can be downloaded here.
Netscape 7.2 can be downloaded here.

Smell the roses

Sometimes, life is just good. Take today for example: it's a beautiful day, bright sunshine, a chill in the air, a perfect autumnal day. I've got sore lungs from smoking despite having a cold (which is just stupid) but I'm feeling in good spirits. I've had two strong cups of coffee with a shot of hazelnut and have a resultant pleasant caffeine buzz. I have an afternoon of leisure with nothing in particular to do and life feels quite grand right now. I have the love of a good woman, who has offered to cook a lovely dinner for us both later. Splendid. Things are just splendid. It's not often that I feel in such spirits so I thought it should be recorded here for posterity.

Other things to feel positive about:

• The Arsenal v Spurs game yesterday. A 5-4 thriller goalfest, one of the most entertaining (and comical) games of football I have ever seen. OK, so the defending was so farcical at times you were half expecting Frank Spencer to whizz by on roller skates hanging onto the back of a bus, but there was an incredible collective energy in Arsenal that has not been seen since those Manc Scum robbed them at Old Trafford a few weeks ago. The hunger and swagger was back. Three points were won. Bring on Chelsea.
  
• Not long until Christmas now. Like last year, Christmas Day shall be spent at home with the missus and her sister and will no doubt be extremely pleasant. Christmas Eve should be a half day, I can then go home and not have to return to that awful work place until Tuesday 4th January, 2005. Excellent.
• Even New Year, so often a cause of distress to me, should be good this year. People will be around, there's a party going on or maybe there will be dinner and wine with some good friends instead. Either way, I think this New Year should be celebrated this time round.
  
• Before all of this, I have a joint 30th party on Saturday 4th December which, despite originally having reservations, I am now rather looking forward to.
• The plan for major life change is still only a sketch, but it's gradually taking more shape. Next year should be extremely interesting. . . The possibility of seeking out a more satisfying life is frightening but enlivening. I don't think I have felt genuine anticipation or excitement like this for several years. Occasionally I get a "rabbit in the headlights" moment (sorting out what to do with my flat is stressing me out a bit) but the prospect of not doing my job anymore or anything even like it is enough to snap me out of it. This book has also been useful.
• The prospect of writing. Whether it be this modest blog, or anything else I'm working on at the moment, the whole idea of it just excites me. There seems to be a spark of creativity in the air at the moment: I feel totally encouraged to write things down thanks to really positive and valued feedback from friends; my soulmate Cunners wants to take up the piano again; lots of my friends are interested in writing. One, for example, has suggested we make a demo for a radio play. We have the technology and the ability, so why the hell not? Christ, just think of all the rubbish that gets on the radio, not to mention the horseshit that we have to endure on television. I know plenty of people who are funny and smart enough to help us put something half-decent together. Let's do it!

Right, well, I'm going to have to go and have a little lie down. I'm not used to being this positive. Especially on a Sunday afternoon, so often the domain of the black dog. This post will be very useful to me tomorrow morning when I'm back at work and feeling miserable as hell. It will be a stark reminder of what I'm trying to do and why.

I never would have thought it

Apparently, the baby that brought joy into the lives of a childless couple living in the UK was trafficked by a child smuggling racket in Kenya and NOT the result of some very hard praying. Astonishing isn't it? I mean who wouldn't believe, if they were given a child, that it didn't just miraculously appear out of thin air? It's easy to see how these poor people were duped: after all, we all know people who have got what they always dreamed of through prayer don't we?

Various gibberings

Much on my mind today. How can it be Monday again already? What the hell is happening in Fallujah? Why doesn't roll-on deodorant work? What's happened to Arsenal's season? Shall I get a fixed or floating rate mortgage? Where are all these fucking flies coming from? My flat has had loads of them lately. Small little buggers, easy to kill, but they just won't go away. I've even got a spider - Alfred - in my bedroom, with whom I have made a deal: he kills the flies and I don't suck him up the next time I do the hoovering. So far, he hasn't shown much enthusiasm about sticking to his side of the bargain so he could be a goner next time I do some housework. Mind you, if recent performance is in anyway indicative of future behaviour, that might not be until sometime in 2009. Do spiders live that long? I doubt it. Hey, Bush won't be President by then! I could do some celebratory dusting and polishing, then maybe take Alfred out for a pint to celebrate.

That time of year again. . .

It appears to be November 5th again. It seems like only last year that we had the last one. I refer readers to my post on this subject from a year ago. My thoughts have not changed.

Oh, about the war. . .

I lost count of the number of times I read about how Bush appealed to voters concerned about security and how it wouldn't be right to change leaders halfway through a war, etc. Halfway through? That's a bit optimistic isn't it? If changing leaders while the "war on terror" in still going on is the big concern then get ready to elect GWB for the next five elections because this war is so vague, so imprecise, so abstract, it's going to go on indefinitely. And as for Iraq, the US is going to be stuck in there for years to come. And rightly so, if they seriously intend to finish what they started. There's no easy get out clause here.

Yep, as I expected

So yes, Bush took the stage and spouted the usual. I love the way he likes to come across as being above party differences, the "great uniter", the "compassionate conservative", how he's going to reach out to the people that voted Democrat and "earn their trust".

Yeah, like fuck. The Republicans control every major branch of government and you've just been given a popular mandate. You're going to do whatever the hell you want. You came out with this old cobblers four years ago: it was empty rhetoric then and it's empty rhetoric now.

Curses!

Oh well, that’s that for another four years then. I always thought that Bush would win, but I’m still bitterly disappointed. I clung to a hope that Kerry might just, somehow, scrape through but alas, no. The low expectations I have of the American electorate have been met.

I’ve just watched the Kerry concession speech. I really could not see why he is portrayed as some alien-like freak who lacks humanity or why he left so many voters cold. I thought he came across as a genuinely likeable man, obviously shattered that his lifelong ambition had been denied him after coming so close, and totally gracious in defeat. It really is a shame.

Bush is due on soon. So there's something to look forward to.

It's enough to make you weep

Scary times. Tomorrow the United States elects its next President and, while I'm always fascinated by the American political process (quick synopsis: it's madness), I am also anxious about the probable outcome. It'll be close but I think King George II will snatch it away again. This time, though, I suspect it will be more legitimate than in 2000.

It's all highly depressing. We all know the arguments: Bush pissed away the biggest ever budget surplus and created the biggest ever budget deficit by reducing the tax bills of his rich chums; his campaign was bankrolled by big oil interests and other assorted scum; he has alienated most of the world by tearing up the Kyoto treaty; he was a draft dodging, drink driving rich brat, etc, etc, etc. But for me, the most distressing thing of all is his belief in creationism. The leader of the most powerful nation in the world and, therefore, the most powerful man in the world, does not believe in evolution. That is actually beyond depressing: it is downright terrifying. How can a man of such obviously low intelligence, astonishing inarticulacy and unashamed pig ignorance become the President of the United States?

But he'll win, you just watch. Brace yourself for another four years of this fuckwit and his sinister entourage of neo-cons and Christian maniacs.

A brief personal interlude. . .

It could be that I'm about to hit thirty, it could be that I'm having a nervous breakdown, it could be a premature midlife crisis. It could be that my current job is making me more miserable than anything I have ever done before (and believe me, the competition is stiff for that title). There's a good chance that it's all of the above. The fact is, I am not totally satisfied with my life and I want to do something about it. Perhaps something drastic.

I'm increasingly aware that I have spent a large part of my twenties pursuing nothing of any real value whatsoever. I've been moderately successful in my (unchosen) career and earn pretty good money for somebody my age. I own my own flat, do not want for any material comfort and can generally afford whatever I have my mind set on at any particular time, be it a holiday, an iPod, a PC, a TV, a stereo, lots of CDs that I often never get around to listening to, books that don't get read, games consoles that I soon get bored with, a DVD player, a TV with integrated DVD player, lots of DVDs that I often never get round to watching, a satellite dish that enables me to receive hundreds of channels that have nothing worth watching on them and a fridge that beeps at me if I leave the door open for too long. Oh yes, I live the dream all right.

This isn't living, this is consuming.

So what is to be done? I don't know, but somehow I'm going to figure it out. A good friend of mine (we'll call him Paul Reeves, because that's his name) was in a very similar position earlier this year: bored and trapped in a spirit crushing job, desperate for something interesting to happen. He's spent the last four months teaching "soccer" in the US, having told his employers where to stick their job and putting his flat out to rent. He found it a bit daunting but did it anyway and has no regrets whatsoever. I, like all his friends, have nothing but admiration for what he has done. Next month he'll be back in England and can start afresh. Then there's Ms Jones: she was recently made redundant and has taken it as an opportunity to try and make a living freelancing as a writer and marketer. You can read about her adventures here.

So the point is, it can be done. There are options available! Perhaps "downshifting" is the answer. I have a fantastic girlfriend in a similar situation and I know that she would, in a flash, give up this awful corporate treadmill, quit life in London, and go and live in Brighton. In fact she plans to one way or the other. I am certainly seduced by the whole idea and the only thing holding me back is fear. What about my mortgage? What about my pension? What about my health insurance? All these fishhooks of life that combine to conspire to tie you down and provide false comfort. Then again, I don't have to downshift completely. I'm only 29 and (reasonably) smart. I'm still young and beautiful enough to re-train. I could learn to be a web-designer! Or train in IT! Or join the circus! Actually, scrub that one. I'd like to be fired out of a cannon, or tame lions, but I don't want to be around gypsies: it's bad enough working with the intellectually stunted plebs I'm stuck with here in the City.

It's a real chin stroker and no mistake. My thinking hat is ON.

Anyway, that's enough. Just needed to get that off my chest. I'll get back now to writing pithy comments about the world. And stuff.