Wishy washy liberals!

I'm thinking of joining the Liberal Democrats. No, don't laugh, I'm serious. I've got a real hankering to engage once more with politics and they're the only place I can go. I'm an ex-Labour member (I bet there are a few of us) who let his membership lapse because I was fed up with supporting them and having to pinch my nose every time they compromised on yet another ideal. They just disappointed me more and more with each passing day post-May 1st 1997. The day I join the Conservatives is the day I start having sex with the dead (which is a pretty apt analogy having caught footage of their conference audience this year in Bournemouth). So there you have it. What other choice do I have?

We're actually a pretty good fit. I'm a staunch advocate of proportional representation, devolution, upper house reform, and abolishing the Royal family: all issues that Labour have either never touched in the first place or have conveniently ignored once they were elected with a majority the size of Norway. OK, that's not strictly accurate: there are Scottish and Welsh assemblies now, and hereditary peers have lost their voting rights, but it's just not enough. I want the upper chamber elected and accountable! Is that really too much to ask? Personally I've never understood why Labour didn't do this sort of radical stuff back in 1945 when they had a truly socialist agenda and (can you imagine?) admitted it! Not that I'm a socialist, I'm just one of those weird people who thinks democratic principles are sacrosanct and that having a head of state who gets the position BECAUSE THEY WERE BORN is kind of antiquated. It was certainly contrary to the ideals of the post-war Labour Party, so what were they thinking?? I'm not advocating execution or anything like that. How about a nice market solution? Most British business was bought up by overseas shareholders in the 1980s and 90s so couldn't we do something similar with the Windsors? The Americans could buy Buck House and everyone in it and ship it over to Arizona like they did with the original London Bridge. Bada bing! We're free of those freeloading freaks and the Yanks have bought themselves some history. Everyone's a winner. We'll need an immediate replacement to keep the wheels of legislation in motion while we figure out a permanent (elected) solution. How about Bruce Forsyth? He did a great job when he was a guest presenter on Have I Got News For You. Yes, I have all the solutions today.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, parallels with the Lib Dems. I like the proposed war on 4x4 drivers, abolition of tuition fees and a 50% tax rate for the extremely well paid. I'm lukewarm on Europe so there's a bit of controversy there, but nothing we can't work around. We don't see eye to eye on certain aspects of law and order mind you, so it's not all a bed of roses: they want to send joy-riders go-karting, I want them strung up by broken ankles and beaten with clubs. Let's declare war on chavs: drive these hordes of cretinous, baseball-cap-wearing white trash from our city centres and put them all on the Isle Of Man or something. The UN can air-drop Benson & Hedges, Bacardi breezers and fake Burberry clothing once a week to keep them occupied. Some sort of contraceptive in the water supply would probably be a good idea as well.

So yes, that would probably put me on the right of the party on social issues. But liberalism is a broad church and I'm sure there's room for everyone's point of view. Mr Kennedy, I am almost with you!